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…finding my way forward

Finding-My-way-ForwardI wrote this back on March 17, 2008. Two and a half years ago over at Take Root and Write. I wanted to bring it over here because it is so much a part of my journey to where I am now. It is truly only because I decided to find my way forward that I actually began to move forward. I have to admit I am still finding my way forward. Figuring out all the answers or making all the right decisions still hover over me. It’s more about the opportunity for to make each day optimal. The op op. 🙂 I like it.

Day; March 17, 2008

Mood; Contemplative

I have been saying to myself that, I am finding my way back.
Now, as I have started that journey I am trying to narrow down what it is I want to go back to.
How far back plays a role as well.
What ‘moment of me’ am I trying to bring back into the now?

I am realizing that it’s not going back to the ‘way things were’ that I want. I have grown too much through the challenges that God has allowed in my life these last 3 years (could go to past 10 years), to just want what I used to have.
I am sure hitting my 40’s has also played a role in being so contemplative.

Can we be disappointed but still grateful?
That is how I feel about the last 3 years. I am disappointed that in so many ways I feel like I lost the last 3 years.
That they were not my own. My physical body took over, and took me down a path that I was not ready for.
But yet, spiritually, I am so grateful for how God used every aspect of it to help me to grow in Him and draw me closer to His presence.  I am hungry to return to ministry. I am hungry to sing again. It’s a step of faith.
My voice has changed as my thyroid conditioned showed up.  I don’t like the thought in the back of my head that is saying my voice will never be like it was. Or when I wake up feeling like a mac truck hit me and my mind say’s, ‘Could you imagine if you were scheduled to sing today?’
I got sooooo used to keeping my schedule clear because so many of the times I made plans, I would break them due to what was happening with me physically.
My God is bigger than those thoughts. How long will I allow those thoughts to determine my path?
I think they will determine my path as long as I keep trying to, …find my way back.
I have decided to love the me of the now.
She is stronger, wiser, closer to God.
Why would I want to go back?
I am finding my way forward.

Re-posted from Original over at Take Root and Write

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